Movie Preview: Oliver Stone's Alexander

Oliver Stone is back.

Oliver Stone's Alexander comes out next week. It's going to be interesting.

But you don't have to wait for movie to come out. I have an exclusive preview of the film. Remember, this is an exclusive, so don't go blabbing to your friends out it!

THE STORY OF ALEXANDER THE GREAT (356-323 B.C.) BY OLIVER STONE (with special thanks to this website)

Alexander the Great, king of Macedonia and one of the greatest generals in history. He conquered much of what was then the civilized world. Alexander brought Greek ideas and the Greek way of doing things to all the countries he conquered. This great general and king made possible the broadly developed culture of the Hellenistic Age. Oliver Stone brings him to live in a way we've never seen before.

At the start of the movie, Alexander is a happy boy with a wonderful girlfriend and a boyfriend on the side.

But things take a turn for the worse when he meets his girlfriend's sexually abusive father, played by Rodney Dangerfield. With a laugh track in his head, Alexander decides that the best thing for him to do is to kill him, and just about everyone else he runs into for the next few decades.

In a short period of time, just about everyone in Pella, Macedonia is dead. Thanks to Robert Downey, Jr., Alexander is now a media star.

Seeking new challenges, Alexander leaves the town at the ripe young age of 13 years old and enlists in the army. He is sent to Vietnam.

There, he meets Pvt. Charlie Sheen, who has a nasty habit of delivering monologues.

The two become very good friends, going on a killing spree that leaves Tom Cruise paralyzed and millions of Asians dead.

After running out of villages to rape and pillage, Alexander and Sheen leave Vietnam and move to New York.

At the ripe young age of 20, Alexander and Sheen are introduced to Gordon Gekko, and the three begin a mighty financial empire in Wall Street. It is only a matter of time, however, when Alexander becomes annoyed with Gekko and Sheen. Bored of a life of merely screwing people out of money, Alexander has both of his partners decapitated, and goes on another killing spree. Alexander then marries Darryl Hannah and becomes king.

As Alexander's power grew, so did the power of his chief rival...John F. Kennedy. Alexander, knowing that Kennedy was too well guarded for his army to get to, strikes a deal with Larry Hagman to build an army of Cubans, C.I.A. agents, and random Communists living in Louisiana.

The ambitious young king leads the army of 35,000 soldiers into Texas, leading to the slaughter of Kennedy and his men, and opening the Bible belt to him. Inexplicably, the death of Kennedy is blamed on a lone gunman, and the patsy is killed before he can talk.

Local district attorney Jim Garrison, played by Kevin Costner, suspects a conspiracy, and begins a controversial investigation. Alexander is furious at his action, and exiles him to star in movies like Waterworld for the rest of his life.

With JFK out of the picture, a new leader emerges: Richard Nixon, poorly portrayed by Anthony Hopkins. Yet Nixon proves to be too paranoid to seriously challenge Alexander, and his forces rout him at the battle of Watergate. Nixon screams "F*** the Kennedys" as death takes hold of him.

Alexander is now at the height of his power. He busies himself with the organization and administration of his empire, but he is beginning to slip. He struggles to identify with his new general, Willie Beamen, played by Jamie Foxx, who has a style of war far too flashy for his tastes.

But times get tough for Alexander, and he grows tired. He beings to hang out with a Val Kilmer and experiments with hallucinogenic drugs. Many see Alexander's overdose coming.

When he dies, on June 13, 323 B.C., his body was placed in a gold coffin and taken to Memphis. He leaves no choice for a successor, and his empire fractures.

Thus ends the story of a great leader, thus begins a great legend.